Happy Endings
by KittieMcDowell
Summary: a short play similar in concept to "into the woods"
1. act 1, scene 1

Act I scene i

A not very tall tower is in the middle of the stage.  RAPUNZEL is looking out the window while the WITCH stands outside near thorn bushes.

WITCH:                       Now I've got you, RAPUNZEL!  You'll rot in my tower for an eternity!

RAPUNZEL:               Not if I jump down, you wicked WITCH!  It's not like you built this tower very tall.

WITCH:                       It's not the size of the tower, it's the quality!

RAPUNZEL:               Wow, someone's awfully insecure about her tower…

WITCH:                       Enough!  It's a magical tower!  If you jump down from my tower, you'll fall into the thorn bushes and be blinded!  So there!

RAPUNZEL:               GASP!  Blinded?  Then I wouldn't see!

WITCH:                       My, we catch on quick, don't we?  Let's see if you learn your lesson as fast.

RAPUNZEL:               My lesson?  Oh, yeah, that reminds me.  You never told me why you locked me in this tower.  What did I do to you?

WITCH:                       Because that's what witches do!

RAPUNZEL:               Witches lock innocent girls in towers for no reason?

WITCH:                       All the time.

RAPUNZEL:               Oh.

WITCH:                       Now, I must be off.  There are a couple of brats nibbling at my house but I'll be back to check on you randomly so don't try to escape!  Remember the thorn bushes! (exits)

RAPUNZEL:               Fancy that. Me getting captured by a wicked witch for no reason.  What next?

Enter RED RIDING HOOD, carrying a basket and skipping merrily.  She sees RAPUNZEL trapped in the tower, shrugs, and keeps skipping.

RAPUNZEL:               Hey, wait a second there!

RED:                            Who, me?

RAPUNZEL:               Well, who else is out there?

RED:                            Well, what do you want?

RAPUNZEL:               A little help would be nice.

RED:                            You got up there okay.

RAPUNZEL:               Actually, I'm trying to get down.

RED:                            You're not very high up, you know.  Just jump down.

RAPUNZEL:               I would if I could.  It's a magical tower.  If I jump down, I'll fall in those thorn bushes and become blinded.

RED:                            GASP!  Then you wouldn't see!

RAPUNZEL:               See my problem now?

RED:                            Yeah.  Hmm, well, what can I do?

RAPUNZEL:               I don't know, get a stepladder, maybe?

RED:                            I don't know if I ought to.  My GRANNY's sick in bed and I've got to take this basket of goodies to her.  Have you thought about cutting that long hair of yours and using it as a rope?

RAPUNZEL:               CUT MY HAIR?!

RED:                            I'll take that as a no.  I don't know what to tell you.  I've got to get this basket to GRANNY sometime.

RAPUNZEL:               Then what am I supposed to do?

RED:                            Hang tight?

RAPUNZEL:               That's not even funny.

RED:                            Okay, okay, okay.  Here's what we'll do.  I'll find you a stepladder and help you down.  Then I'll deliver this basket of goodies.  How's that sound?

RAPUNZEL:               You're a real genius, you know that?

RED:                            I try.  I'll be right back!  You wait right here. (exits)

RAPUNZEL:   Where am I going to go?!


	2. act 1, scene 2

Act I scene ii

In a clearing in the woods by a cave, SNOW WHITE runs onto the stage, huffing and puffing as though she's been running very hard.  She collapses center stage to catch her breath.

SNOW WHITE:            What a day!  The local WITCH declares that the fairest maidens in all the land be captured and locked in towers throughout the kingdom.  Naturally, as I'm obviously the fairest of the fairest, I'm in the most peril!  Fortunately, not only am I the fairest, I'm also the fastest maiden in all the land! (lifts skirt to reveal sneakers) They'll never catch me!

As SNOW WHITE talks to herself, the WOLF sneaks up on her.

WOLF:                        But I will! (grabs her)

SNOW WHITE:            No!  Don't take me to the WITCH!

WOLF:                        Why would I do that?

SNOW WHITE:            Because the local WITCH declared that the fairest maidens in all the land be captured and locked in towers throughout the kingdom.  You didn't hear my monologue?

WOLF:                        Must've missed it with my stomach grumbling.  How does this fairest maiden stuff affect you?

SNOW WHITE:            Well, I'm the fairest maiden in all the land!

WOLF:                        Says who?

SNOW WHITE:            Says everyone!

WOLF:                        Did anyone actually chase you?

SNOW WHITE:            Um, no.  You think I was going to stick around after that decree was made?  I may be the fairest but I am by no stretch the stupidest.

WOLF:                        Most stupid.

SNOW WHITE:            Whatever.

WOLF:                        Well, all you look like to meal is a main course, toots, and judging by your lack of pursuit, I'd say that no one's going to mind if I snack on the fairest maiden in all the land.  So, without further ado, dinnertime!

Just as the WOLF is about to pounce on SNOW WHITE, seven DWARVES carrying garden tools crawl out of the cave.

JAN:                            EEK!  A WOLF!

WOLF:                        EEK!  DWARVES!

There is a mad scramble as the DWARVES and SNOW WHITE try to get away from the WOLF and the WOLF tries to get away from the DWARVES.  Finally, the WOLF escapes off stage while the DWARVES cower behind SNOW WHITE.

FEB:                            Is it gone?

MAR:                           I think so.

APR:                            That was a close one!

MAY:                          You said it!

JUN:                            What was it doing in this neck of the woods?

JUL:                             Who cares?  It's gone now.

SNOW WHITE:            Excuse me.  Who are you?

JAN:                            JANUARY.

FEB:                            FEBUARY.

MAR:                           MARCH.

APR:                            APRIL.

MAY:                          MAY.

JUN:                            JUNE.

JUL:                             JULY.

SNOW WHITE:            What kinds of names are those?

JAN:                            They're ours.  What's your name?

SNOW WHITE:            SNOW WHITE.

FEB:                            You are sorta pale.

SNOW WHITE:            Well, where are the rest of you?

MAR:                           The rest of us?

SNOW WHITE:            You know- August, September, October, November, and December.

APR:                            Who are they?

SNOW WHITE:            Never mind.  What are you doing way out here?

MAY:                          Working in that cave.  We're miners.

SNOW WHITE:            I was wondering why you were so short.

JUN:                            Miners!  Not minors.

SNOW WHITE:            (Jeopardy theme) Wait, what?  
JUL:                             We dig underground for ores, minerals, jewels, and stuff like that.

SNOW WHITE:            Oh!  Miners!

JAN:                            So… what are you doing out here?

SNOW WHITE:            An evil WITCH has declared that all the fairest maidens in all the land be locked in towers throughout the kingdom!

FEB:                            Really?

SNOW WHITE:            Yup.

MAR:                           Did anyone actually chase you out here?

SNOW WHITE:            Why does everyone keep asking that?

APR:                            Don't worry about that.  Look, if a crazy WITCH is pursuing you, you're going to need a place to hide, right?

SNOW WHITE:            Right.

MAY:                          All right, come with us.  We know the perfect place.

SNOW WHITE:            You'll really help me?

JUN:                            Sure, why not?

JUL:     It's not like we have anything better to do.  Follow us! (all exit)


	3. act 1, scene 3

Act I scene iii

RED sees the two STEPSISTERS and the STEPMOTHER sitting on lawn chairs, sipping water, in front of a cottage with bite marks in it while CINDERELLA does yard work.

RED:                            Hi.  Enjoying the day?

STEPSISTER 1:           We were till you showed up.

STEPSISTER 2:           You're blocking my sun!

RED:                            Sorry about that!  I was just wondering if you had a stepladder that I could borrow.

STEPSISTER 1:           Why would you want our stepladder?

RED:                            Well, you see, there's this girl stuck in a tower that I promised to rescue before I went to my GRANNY's with all these goodies.  She can't get down without a stepladder because then she'd fall in thorn bushes and be blinded.

STEPSISTERS:           GASP!  Then she wouldn't see!

RED:                            You get the picture.  So, about that stepladder…

STEPMOTHER:          You can't have it!

RED:                            Why not?

STEPMOTHER:          We can't just go around lending strangers our stepladder!

RED:                            Oh.  Well, I'm RED RIDING HOOD.  There, now I'm not a stranger.

STEPSISTER 2:           Seems reasonable, Mother.  CINDERELLA!

STEPMOTHER:          No that just won't do.  I'm sorry but you'll have to look elsewhere for a stepladder.

RED:                            But yours is the only house around here for miles! (CINDERELLA arrives with a pitcher)

STEPMOTHER:          What are you doing here?

CINDERELLA:           Didn't you call?

STEPMOTHER:          No.

CINDERELLA:           But, I heard—

STEPMOTHER:          No.

CINDERELLA:           Didn't you—

STEPMOTHER:          No.

RED:                            Hey, can't I—

STEPMOTHER:          No.

STEPSISTER 1:           CINDERELLA, refill my—

STEPMOTHER:          No.

STEPSISTER 2:           Mother, she was just trying to get a refill!

STEPMOTHER:          Sorry, I was on a roll.

CINDERELLA tops off her family's drinks before going back to work.

RED:                            There's nothing I can do to convince me to borrow the ladder?

STEPMOTHER:          No.

RED:                            Hey, don't start that again!

STEPMOTHER:          Then stop asking about my stepladder!

RED storms away.  She sees how upset CINDERELLA is and approaches her.

RED:                            Are they always like that?

CINDERELLA:           Unfortunately.

RED:                            Tough break.

CINDERELLA:           Tell me about it.  So, what brings you here?

RED:                            I wanted to borrow a stepladder from them.

CINDERELLA:           Well, my STEPMOTHER never was very good at sharing.

RED:                            I've noticed.  But… hey!  You could get me the ladder!

CINDERELLA:           I could.  But what's in it for me?

RED:                            Huh?

CINDERELLA:           If I get you the ladder, you have to do me a favor.

RED:                            Well, why not.  Today seems to be my day to do good deeds.

CINDERELLA:           Can you help me get out of here to get to the King's Ball?

RED:                            Why would you want to go there?

CINDERELLA:           The Ball is for his sons to meet single women from the kingdom and choose one of them as his bride.

RED:                            So?

CINDERELLA:           If I don't marry one of those Princes, I'll be stuck serving them forever!  I have to marry one of them!

RED:                            I see your point.  All right, here's what we'll do- I'll distract your STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS while you get changed and grab the stepladder.

CINDERELLA runs off while RED approaches STEPMOTHER.

RED:                            Hi again.

STEPMOTHER:          What do you want?

RED:                            Well, the ladder would be nice but since you've been less than gracious with it, I thought I'd just stop by and warn you about the WOLF that's been seen around here.

The WOLF sneaks onto the stage.

STEPSISTER 1:           A WOLF?

RED:                            Yeah, a big one.

STEPSISTER 2:           Where?

RED:                            I saw one dash back into the woods a few minutes ago.

STEPMOTHER:          I'm not afraid of any old WOLF.

STEPSISTERS:           We are!

WOLF:                        As you should be!

The WOLF chases them around the stage for a few minutes.  In the confusion, CINDERELLA sneaks out off the stage, wearing a gown and holding a ladder.  The STEPMOTHER slips an apple into RED's basket before they all run off the stage.  RED backs onto the stage, looking around fearfully when CINDERELLA approaches her from the other side.

CINDERELLA:           Hey.

RED:                            AHHHHH!  Oh, sheesh, don't sneak up on someone who's just finished being chased around by a big bad WOLF!

CINDERELLA:           Sorry.

RED:    It's okay.  All right, you got the ladder.  Let's get to the tower!  Nice dress, by the way.  (both exit)


	4. act 1, scene 4

Act I scene iv

RAPUNZEL is still in the tower.  She doesn't notice CINDERELLA and RED enter.

RED:                            You don't see the WOLF anywhere, do you?

CINDERELLA:           Nope.  The coast is clear.  Where is the tower?

RED:                            Over there.

CINDERELLA:           I didn't ask about a McDonalds' Play Place.  I asked about the tower that girl was locked in.

RED:                            That's it.

CINDERELLA:           Kinda short, ain't it?

RED:                            It's a magical tower.

CINDERELLA:           Right… a MAGICAL tower.

RED:                            It is!  If she tries to jump down, she'll go blind.

CINDERELLA:           GASP!  Then she wouldn't see!

RAPUNZEL:               If you're quite finished, I think you have a rescue to attend to!

RED:                            Oh, yeah!  Here's the ladder!

They help RAPUNZEL climb down from the tower.

RAPUNZEL:               I'm free, I'm free!

CINDERELLA:           Well, whoopdy-do.  You climbed a ladder.

RAPUNZEL:               I escaped a magical tower.

RED:                            Hey, I had a small part in it, you know.

CINDERELLA:           You escaped with my ladder.

RED:                            Which you lent to me because I helped you get away from your STEPMOTHER.

RAPUNZEL:               You expecting a reward or something?  I think I asked LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD here to help.

RED:                            I go by RED, actually.

CINDERELLA:           A little gratitude would be nice.  You know, for taking part in your rescue when I have a Ball to go to.

RED:                            Can't we all just get along?

RAPUNZEL:               You think you deserve praise for taking time out of your obviously busy schedule to help little old me?  You always go on rescue missions with your evening gown on, Miss America?

CINDERELLA:           I don't have to take this!  I can be dancing the night away at the King's Ball!  In fact, that's what I intend to do.  And I'll be taking this with me! (takes the ladder and storms off stage)

RED:                            Have fun at the Ball!

RAPUNZEL:               And good riddance!

RED:                            Well that was unnecessary.

RAPUNZEL:               If you'd been locked in a tower for as long as I'd been, you'd be irritable, too.

RED:                            I guess… hey, it's only been, like, half an hour!

RAPUNZEL:               Practically an eternity!

RED:                            You're kidding, right?

RAPUNZEL:               So, what're you up to now?

RED:                            Well, I've got to take this basket of goodies to my GRANNY.  She's sick in bed, you know.

RAPUNZEL:               You've mentioned it.  Mind if I tag along?  I need to get out of here before the WITCH gets back and discovers that I'm missing.

RED:                            Only if you'll promise to be nice for the rest of the show.

RAPUNZEL:               I'll do my best.

RED:                            That's all I ask.  Well, then, off to GRANNY's! (both exit as WITCH enters)

WITCH:           Curses!  I'm too late!  RED RIDING HOOD, with CINDERELLA's stepladder, freed RAPUNZEL!  And I still can't find SNOW WHITE.  How's that for a recap?  Oh well, I'll have plenty of time to catch them in Act II! (cackles and exits)


	5. act 2, scene 1

Act II scene i

CINDERELLA is standing at the buffet table at the King's Ball, eating heartily while everyone else is dancing, her ladder propped against her leg.  PRINCEs DASHING and charming see her and starts to walk toward her.

DASHING:                  I've never seen such a beautiful woman before, CHARMING!  Who is she?

CHARMING:              How should I know, DASHING?  I've never seen her before tonight.  Who brings a stepladder to a Ball?

DASHING:                  Obviously a woman who wants to get noticed.

CHARMING:              Well, she's succeeded.  No one wants to dance with her.

DASHING:                  Till now.

CHARMING:              You're going to ask her to dance?  What will you do with the ladder?

DASHING:                  Details, details.  The first step is getting her to the dance floor.  (approaches CINDERELLA)  Hello.

CINDERELLA:           Uh, hi.

DASHING:                  Enjoying yourself?

CINDERELLA:           The food's great but the party itself is dull.  I haven't even seen any signs of either of the PRINCES!

DASHING:                  Oh no?

CINDERELLA:           Nope.  And the music's kind of lame, too.  Are all Kings' Balls this boring?

DASHING:                  You've never been to one?  That must be why I don't recognize you.

CINDERELLA:           You attend these shindigs often?

DASHING:                  Quite often, actually.  What's your name?

CINDERELLA:           CINDERELLA.

DASHING:                  What an interesting name.  How did you come by it?

CINDERELLA:           Playing too close to the fireplace as a kid, I guess.  I got covered in the ashes all the time.

DASHING:                  Is it cold where you're from?

CINDERELLA:           Nah, just have an unusual obsession with fire.

DASHING:                  I… see.  Well, I'm DASHING.

CINDERELLA:           That's very egotistical of you!

DASHING:                  No, no, no.  That's my name.  I'm PRINCE DASHING.

CINDERELLA:           The PRINCE!  And I just… called the Ball boring?!  I'm so sorry; I had no idea—

DASHING:                  No need to apologize.  Your honesty was refreshing.  These parties are pretty dull.  But… um, how about we keep each other company?  We can be bored together.

CINDERELLA:           I'd love to.  So… wanna dance?

DASHING:                  That's my line.

CINDERELLA:           Oh.  Must've been a typo in my script.  I guess this is where I say, "I'd love to" huh?

DASHING:                  Great.  (they dance into the crowd, both holding the ladder.  CHARMING watches nearby)

CHARMING:              What about the ladder?

DASHING:                  Ix-nay on the adder-lay!

The WITCH and CINDERELLA's STEPSISTERS arrive after that.  CINDERELLA spots them and backs away from DASHING quickly.

DASHING:                  Hey, where are you going?

CINDERELLA:           I… uh, just remembered… it's way past my bedtime… I've got to go! (runs away, forgetting the ladder)

DASHING:                  But it's only midnight!  Come back!  You forgot your ladder!  Hey!  Um, I like fire, too!  You can call me CINDER-DASHING!

CHARMING:              Where'd she go?

DASHING:                  I don't know.  But we've got to find her!  She left me her ladder as a clue to find her again, I know it!  We'll search the kingdom for the maiden who fits this ladder!

CHARMING:              Shouldn't we just look for a woman with a strange name?

DASHING:                  That would defeat the purpose of her leaving the ladder of the clue, wouldn't it?  Let's go!  (both run off the stage)

WITCH:                       CINDER-DASHING?  Drat, he must've met CINDERELLA!

STEPSISTER 1:           What makes you say that?

STEPSISTER 2:           Duh, because she had the ladder!  Don't be a dummy!

WITCH:                       Never mind that!  Come on, we have to find your sister!

STEPSISTERS:           STEPsister! (all run off stage)


	6. act 2, scene 2

Act II scene ii

SNOW WHITE and the DWARVES are huddles around the opening of a small cave, arguing.

SNOW WHITE:          I won't do it!

JAN:                            Why not?

SNOW WHITE:          Look at it!  I'd never fit in there!

FEB:                            You would if you'd just try!

SNOW WHITE:          Besides… I'd get dirty!

MAR:                           Do you want to escape from the WITCH or not?

SNOW WHITE:          I didn't get "fairest maiden in all the land" by climbing into dark, dirty tunnels!

APR:                            You didn't get it for you're winning personality, either.

MAY:                          Maybe if you weren't the "fairest" anymore, you'd be safe from the WITCH.

SNOW WHITE:          But then I wouldn't be the fairest!

JUN:                            And then she'd stop chasing you!

JUL:                             Would you really choose being the fairest in all the land over being safe from a WITCH?

SNOW WHITE:          Who wouldn't? (DWARVES raise their hands high)  That was a rhetorical question!

RED RIDING HOOD and RAPUNZEL enter.

RAPUNZEL:               Hey, a party!

RED:                            I'm not quite sure about that.  It looks like they're trying to stuff that girl into a tunnel.

JAN:                            We are not!

FEB:                            We're trying to protect her!

RED:                            By stuffing her down a hole?

RAPUNZEL:               Wow… that's the deepest hole I've ever seen.

MAR:                           Really?  We dug it ourselves…

RAPUNZEL:               That's really great!  You're miners?

RED:                            I thought they were kinda short…

RAPUNZEL:               No, not MINORS!  MINERS!

RED:                            Oh.  Thanks for clearing that up for me.

RAPUNZEL:               They dig underground looking for ores, minerals, jewels, and things like that.

APR:                            That's right!

MAY:                          You're really smart.  What's your name?

RAPUNZEL:               RAPUNZEL.

JUN:                            Bless you.

RAPUNZEL:               No that's my name.  RAPUNZEL.

JUL:                             Cool name, sounding like a sneeze and whatnot.

RED:                            What are your names?

JAN:                            JANUARY.

FEB:                            FEBRUARY.

MAR:                           MARCH.

APR:                            APRIL.

MAY:                          MAY.

JUN:                            JUNE.

JUL:                             JULY.

RED:                            Where are the rest of you?

SNOW WHITE:          Don't even get them started!

RAPUNZEL:               Who are you?

SNOW WHITE:          I'm SNOW WHITE.

RED:                            You look kind of tan to me.

RAPUNZEL:               What is it with this story and name gags?  Can we please just continue with the show already?!

RED:                            Sorry, running gags fill plot holes.

SNOW WHITE:          Say, what's in the basket?

RED:                            Goodies for my GRANNY, who lives out here in the woods.

SNOW WHITE:          You wouldn't happen to have anything to spare, would you?  I've been running from the WITCH all day and I'm starved!

RED:                            Well, I'm sure I can spare something. (pulls out an apple) Here, I have an apple.

SNOW WHITE takes the apple and bites into it.  She immediately falls over, fast asleep.  The WITCH leaps on stage, cackling evilly.  RAPUNZEL ducks behind the DWARVES.

WITCH:                       MUAH HAHAHAHAHA!  She's eaten an enchanted apple!  Now she'll be asleep forever!

RED:                            I don't remember packing my GRANNY any enchanted apples.

WITCH:                       Foolish girl!  I put the apple in your basket when you weren't looking!

RED:                            You fiend!

WITCH:                       Now to find CINDERELLA and RAPUNZEL!  Tah-tah, RED! (leaves)

RAPUNZEL:               I've got to get outta here!

JAN:                            We'll hide you!

FEB:                            Yeah, you can hide in our mines!

RAPUNZEL:               Really?

MAR:                           Sure.  It'll be nice to have someone around who appreciates our line of work.

RED:                            Hey, what about SNOW WHITE?

APR:                            What about her?

RED:                            We can't just leave her here!

MAY:                          Why not?

RED:                            Well… uh, a WOLF might get her!

JUN:                            Sorry, we tried to help her before and she wouldn't cooperate.

JUL:                             Yeah.  Now we're going to help someone who will.  See you later! (all leave through the tunnel.

RED:    Great.  Now I've got to go find help.  Sheesh, I hope GRANNY's not too upset that I'm so late! (runs off)


	7. act 2, scene 3

Act II scene iii

CINDERELLA rushes onto the stage and drops down near SNOW WHITE, not noticing her at all.

CINDERELLA:           Just when I thought all my dreams were about to come true.  I got rescued from my wicked STEPMOTHER and STEPSISTERS.  I met a dashing prince… hehe, PRINCE DASHING.  And he really seemed to like me!  Then, my family shows up and ruins everything!  Can things possible get any worse? (sees SNOW WHITE and sighs)  That was a rhetorical question!  Geez, why does someone have be comatose where I decide to rest from running?  Wake up! (starts to shake SNOW WHITE.  DASHING and CHARMING arrive and watch CINDERELLA, who looks up at them sheepishly.)  Uh… hi…

CHARMING:              What are you doing to her?

CINDERELLA:           Uh, rocking her to sleep?  Oh, look… you brought my ladder…

DASHING:                  Forget about that!  Why did you run away like that?  Was I THAT bad a dancer?

CINDERELLA:           No, of course not!

DASHING:                  Then what?

CINDERELLA:           I suppose I should tell you that I've spent my entire life as a slave to my STEPMOTHER and SISTERS… I ran away from them earlier today.  I saw them at the Ball and panicked.

DASHING:                  I see.  That's simple enough to take care of.  I'll banish them from the land!

CINDERELLA:           Just like that?

DASHING:                  Just like that.

CINDERELLA:           It's good to be the PRINCE.

DASHING:                  You know, being a princess has its perks, too.

CINDERELLA:           Me? A princess?

DASHING:                  Sure.

CINDERELLA:           But… to be a princess, I'd have to marry a prince.

DASHING:                  That's kind of what I was going for, actually.

CINDERELLA:           Did you just ask me to marry you?

DASHING:                  Yeah, I think so.

CINDERELLA:           But I just met you two scenes ago!

DASHING:                  And it's been great so far, hasn't it?

CINDERELLA:           All right, you've convinced me!  Let's get married!

DASHING:                  Now?

CINDERELLA:           Why not?

CHARMING:              Because we need to wake her up, that's why not!

DASHING:                  Who's she?

CHARMING:              The fairest maiden in all the land!

DASH and CINDER:   If you say so…

CHARMING:              When she wakes up, I'll make her my bride!  We'll have a double wedding!

CINDERELLA:           How do we wake her?

CHARMING:              A kiss!

DASHING:                  A kiss?

CHARMING:              No woman can sleep through one of my kisses.

CINDERELLA:           Really?

DASHING:                  It's true.  Though, they usually run screaming once they're up…

CHARMING leans down and kisses SNOW WHITE, who sits straight up, knocking CHARMING over.

SNOW WHITE:          What's going on?  Who are you?

CHARMING:              CHARMING.

SNOW WHITE:          Apparently.

CHARMING:              No that's my name.  PRINCE CHARMING.

SNOW WHITE:          I thought we were done with the name gags.

CHARMING:              What's your name?

SNOW WHITE:          It's SNOW WHITE but if I hear one comment about my complexion you'll be called Black Eye!

DASHING:                  What a woman!

CHARMING:              Isn't she the greatest?  SNOW WHITE, marry me!

SNOW WHITE:          (Jeopardy theme)  You're kidding me, right?

CINDERELLA:           These PRINCES sure move fast, don't they?

CHARMING:              Will you?

SNOW WHITE:          Oh, all right.  It's the least I can do since you woke me.

RED arrives just then to splash the two happy couples with a large bucket of water.

RED:                            Oh… you're awake…


	8. act 2, scene 4

Act II scene iv

RED trudges toward a small house which looks exactly like the one that CINDERELLA's stepfamily lives in, complete with bite marks.  She knocks on the door.

RED:                            GRANNY!  It's me, RED RIDING HOOD!  Open up!

The WOLF jumps out then and starts to chase RED around the stage.  Finally, RED stops and faces the WOLF.

WOLF:                        Hey, what gives?

RED:                            Where's my GRANNY?

WOLF:                        I ate her!  And now I'm going to eat you!

RED:                            Ate my GRANNY?!  (the WITCH and STEPSISTERS walk on stage)  You did not.  She's right there!

WOLF:                        Oh, all right, I didn't eat your GRANNY.  I've spent the entire show not catching a meal; I'm tired of the audience thinking I can't hold my own as a WOLF!

WITCH:                       Oh, just get out of here!

WOLF:                        Yeah… well… I heard THREE LITTLE PIGS moved in somewhere around here… they'd make a better meal than any of you could anyway! (exits)

RED:                            Hiya, GRANNY!  I brought you some… hey, what are they doing here?

STEPSISTER 1:           Looking for CINDERELLA with our mother.

RED:                            Mother?  That's my GRANNY!

STEPSISTER 2:           She's our mother!

RED:                            GRANNY!

SISTERS:                    Mother!

RED:                            GRANNY!

SISTERS:                    Mother!

WITCH:                       Enough!  Why don't you two go find CINDERELLA?

RED:                            She's that way.

SISTERS:                    CINDERELLA! (run off stage)

WITCH:                       All right, now to deal with you.

RED:                            Me?  What did I do, GRANNY?

WITCH:                       You ruined my plans!  You rescued RAPUNZEL, CINDERELLA, and SNOW WHITE!  Just when I had them where I wanted them!

RED:                            Wait a second… you're the WITCH!

WITCH:                       YES!  I'm the WITCH!  Who did you think I was?

RED:                            I thought you were my GRANNY…

WITCH:                       Well, it doesn't matter now… with them safely out of my hands, my scheme was thwarted.  Hurray for you…

RED:                            What scheme?

WITCH:                       With them out of the way, there would be no happy endings in the world.  If they got what they wanted, there would be a sense of hope in the world, yadda yadda yadda.  I wanted to stop that.

RED:                            Why?

WITCH:                       Well… what else was I going to do today?

RED:                            You were just doing that because you were bored?!

WITCH:                       I'm an old woman with nothing to do and BINGO's only on Wednesday nights!

RED:                            That's terrible!  You should be ashamed of yourself!

WITCH:                       Oh, all right.  I'm ashamed of myself.  Happy?

RED:                            No… now you're being sarcastic.

STEPSISTERS return with CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, and the PRINCES.

SNOW WHITE:          That's the WITCH that was chasing me because I'm the fairest in the land!

CINDERELLA:           No, that's my wicked STEPMOTHER!

SNOW WHITE:          WITCH!

CINDERELLA:           STEPMOTHER!

WITCH:                       Oh, not again…

DASHING:                  Well, whoever she is, she's banished from the kingdom!

CHARMING:              Forever!

RAPUNZEL and the DWARVES walk out of the house.

JAN:                            Who'd have thought that our mine would lead to a house made entirely of gingerbread.

FEB:                            Hey, look, it's SNOW WHITE.

MAR:                           Oh… great.

SNOW WHITE:          See?  A WITCH was chasing me!

APR:                            We didn't doubt that.

MAY:                          It was the "fairest in all the land" stuff we doubted.

CHARMING:              You take that back, DWARF!

JUN:                            Make us!

JUL:                             Let's get out of here! (DWARVES exit, leaving RAPUNZEL)

RAPUNZEL:               Gee, thanks, guys.  Leave me with the WITCH who had me trapped!

DASHING:                  Don't worry.  She won't be bothering anyone ever again!

RAPUNZEL:               She won't?

CHARMING:              She's banished.

RAPUNZEL:               She doesn't look banished.

DASHING:                  We haven't chased her off stage yet.

SISTERS:                    What about us?

DASHING:                  Banished, too.

WITCH:                       Can we get this over with then?

CHARMING:              Shall we? (all but RED run from the stage)

RED:    Um, all's well that end's well, I guess.  In case you're wondering, we all live happily ever after… but you probably knew that already.  So… yay for happy endings!


End file.
